Princess Fluffy is off to SOS camp

As a ten-ager, Princess Fluffy is about to experience the “joys” of SOS camp with the other Grade 5’s at her school.  For those of you lucky enough to have missed out on this “wonderful” learning opportunity let me enlighten you on possibly the worst 3 days of my cushy childhood.  If you were a child who helped your mom around the house, ate the food that was put in front of you and was polite and helpful at all times – forget it!  You won’t relate to this at ALL!  I was a very spoilt child and Princess Fluffy is Double Spoilt seeing she has both my Mom and me spoiling her. So you get the picture?

SOS in my day consisted of the following: Long-drop toilets, cabbage-breedie for supper and finding different types of poo for a scavenger hunt.  Heather did NOT like this one little bit.  Also ten-ager Heather did not like being ordered around day in and day out – go here, do that, by the SOS teachers.  So I was only too relieved to come home. (Full of nits according to my Mom)

So when I heard that it was Fluffy’s turn, I had my apprehensions.  Of course, I did not mention my experiences to her.  The Bear loved SOS, being a totally unspoilt and outdoorsy child, so I let him do the SOS advertising. 

Fast forward to the Parents Information Meeting where I discover that due to a 20 mil upgrade to the campsite, long-drops are out and hamburgers are in!  So things look easier for the Flufster at this point.  I emerge from the meeting armed with my “list” ready to prepare for my eldest's first stay away from her family.

Stupidly I sent the Bear off to Cape Union Mart with my credit card.  R600 later, Fluffy has an amazing bag and a state-of-the-art torch which turns into a lantern.  Word of advice; don’t send a man into a shop which sells technical toys with your credit card!

So Fluffy is now beautifully kitted out for her first camp.  We spend Sunday watching my poor sister in law being tortured at her baby shower, so we are a little late in starting the actual packing for the camp. I left her deliberating over the advantages of lime-green shorts versus red when suddenly a wail of despair went up. “Mommy, where is my SOS passport???”  For the uninformed, the SOS passport is basically the indemnity you sign so that if your child breaks her arm, you can’t sue SOS.  So it’s quite important to the SOS campsite and they won’t let you go without it. 

Much crying ensues. “Did you leave it at Daddy’s?” I wonder.  A panicked phone call to Daddy reveals that Daddy has gone out, but he is SURE that he packed it on the clipboard and will look again at his house when he returns.  The family then proceeds to turn Fluffy’s room and school bags inside out. Little brother tries to help but is only yelled at by an increasingly desperate Fluffy.  “I can’t go without it!” she sobs and proceeds to call Daddy for the 5^th time.  Alas Daddy searches at home and comes up empty.  I get my Mamma-bear on and swear to her that “You are going to SOS, and that is that and I am going to TELL your teacher etc. etc.”  Fluffy is now scared that Mommy and the teacher are going to have a fight!

Well, finally she goes to sleep and at 5 am the fun starts again.  Fluffy proceeds to leave her lunch and her veggie sausages behind in the getting-ready panic. (We go back for the lunch, but not a second time for the sausages)  We drop a bemused little brother off at Grannies and are the first to arrive at the SOS drop off point at the school.

I am frantically looking around for someone in authority to help me with my passport debacle, trying to ignore the pounding in my head this situation has created.  Fluffy spots a friend and goes running off in another direction.  Skipping back she announces, “Oh Mommy, Tammy just told me that we handed our passports in on Friday, so it’s ok!”  “What!!” I screech with murder in my eyes, “and you didn’t remember that???”  And what about the fact that my ex SWORE blind that he had packed it?

“Let it go Babe”, the Bear advises.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Why the “Smugly Saved” are so scary and other crucial questions of universal importance.

First of all, let me apologize that the following blog will be offensive to the “Smugly Saved”.  If you are one of the SS or suffer from SSPD (Smug Saved Personality Disorder) please do not continue to read this blog as you will have a bad day. 

Now if you don’t know who these unfortunate souls are, then you clearly ARE one and in hectic denial about it.  I suggest that you find an SSPDAnon group nearest you, see their website smuglysaved.jesusrulz.net.  This blog is for the rest of us, the mere mortals going to hell.

Okay so we have all witnessed the following anthropological scene.  A SS corners an innocent victim who may or may not be a Catholic, Jew, Anglican or Hindu.  Note, they leave the Muslims the FUCK alone, because Muslims don’t tolerate this kind of religions predation. (It’s against the Quran – okay I made that up).  So we have a SS and the vic in a corner, the scene is a braai, kitchen tea or maybe even after an NA meeting.  The SS eyes blaze fanatically as she shares how Jesus has changed her life.  The victim is trying desperately to get away without seeming like an unbeliever or setting off the apocalypse.

A few weird things about those with SSPD.

1. They walk around with a smile on their faces yet they KNOW that most of their loved ones are going to burn in eternal hellfire.

2.  They have key words like; mission, witness, worship, message etc. like a secret language.

3.  They don’t believe that all Christians are going to heaven, only themselves and a chosen few who have a “relationship” with God.

4.  The believe in a loving, caring Higher Power who wants 90% of His creation to burn in hell forever.

5.  They believe this same Higher Power is super-intelligent.

6.  They don’t like you to confuse them with facts, for example, alternative interpretations of the bible given by those who speak Hebrew.

Now I do have a confession of sorts to make, I used to be a religious fanatic so I know all about the highs and lows involved.  I was also a using drug addict at the time (coincidence?), but I will leave a discussion of those highs and lows for another blog.  I do have some words of wisdom for those afflicted with SSPD that may be useful when the strings break on your harp.

Firstly, other people don’t want to hear about your religion.  It took me while to work this one out.  The glazed looks on my parents face when I discussed the intricacies of Succah building or the horrified fascination of my sister-in-law after a discussion on the Mikveh should have tipped me off, but I WAS on valium at the time.  So it follows that you need to find something else to talk about.  And secondly, normal people do not feel the need to be “saved”.   Normal Christians think they are saved anyways without all the fanatical bits and people who believe in other religions do not care about the rules of your religion.  Witness this conversation I had with my first Jewish boyfriend:

Me: So you don’t believe in Jesus?

Him: No

Me: And it doesn’t worry you?

Him: Nope

Me: What about going to hell?

Him: There is no hell, they made that up!

Me: Sign me up for this Jewish thing!

So what to do? Love each other, live your best life, do the next right thing and hope for the best. If you can live the clichés you are doing all right.

Good Shabbos to you all