Why the “Smugly Saved” are so scary and other crucial questions of universal importance.

First of all, let me apologize that the following blog will be offensive to the “Smugly Saved”.  If you are one of the SS or suffer from SSPD (Smug Saved Personality Disorder) please do not continue to read this blog as you will have a bad day. 

Now if you don’t know who these unfortunate souls are, then you clearly ARE one and in hectic denial about it.  I suggest that you find an SSPDAnon group nearest you, see their website smuglysaved.jesusrulz.net.  This blog is for the rest of us, the mere mortals going to hell.

Okay so we have all witnessed the following anthropological scene.  A SS corners an innocent victim who may or may not be a Catholic, Jew, Anglican or Hindu.  Note, they leave the Muslims the FUCK alone, because Muslims don’t tolerate this kind of religions predation. (It’s against the Quran – okay I made that up).  So we have a SS and the vic in a corner, the scene is a braai, kitchen tea or maybe even after an NA meeting.  The SS eyes blaze fanatically as she shares how Jesus has changed her life.  The victim is trying desperately to get away without seeming like an unbeliever or setting off the apocalypse.

A few weird things about those with SSPD.

1. They walk around with a smile on their faces yet they KNOW that most of their loved ones are going to burn in eternal hellfire.

2.  They have key words like; mission, witness, worship, message etc. like a secret language.

3.  They don’t believe that all Christians are going to heaven, only themselves and a chosen few who have a “relationship” with God.

4.  The believe in a loving, caring Higher Power who wants 90% of His creation to burn in hell forever.

5.  They believe this same Higher Power is super-intelligent.

6.  They don’t like you to confuse them with facts, for example, alternative interpretations of the bible given by those who speak Hebrew.

Now I do have a confession of sorts to make, I used to be a religious fanatic so I know all about the highs and lows involved.  I was also a using drug addict at the time (coincidence?), but I will leave a discussion of those highs and lows for another blog.  I do have some words of wisdom for those afflicted with SSPD that may be useful when the strings break on your harp.

Firstly, other people don’t want to hear about your religion.  It took me while to work this one out.  The glazed looks on my parents face when I discussed the intricacies of Succah building or the horrified fascination of my sister-in-law after a discussion on the Mikveh should have tipped me off, but I WAS on valium at the time.  So it follows that you need to find something else to talk about.  And secondly, normal people do not feel the need to be “saved”.   Normal Christians think they are saved anyways without all the fanatical bits and people who believe in other religions do not care about the rules of your religion.  Witness this conversation I had with my first Jewish boyfriend:

Me: So you don’t believe in Jesus?

Him: No

Me: And it doesn’t worry you?

Him: Nope

Me: What about going to hell?

Him: There is no hell, they made that up!

Me: Sign me up for this Jewish thing!

So what to do? Love each other, live your best life, do the next right thing and hope for the best. If you can live the clichés you are doing all right.

Good Shabbos to you all